A Small Bit Of Peace

Well, I got the first payment to the bank made, and I do feel slightly relieved but the overall sense of crappiness hasn't diminished all that much. I think it's because my granny gave me some money to help me out, and so did my little brother - so even though the first installment is paid, I feel bad because it wasn't me that paid it, and I know that my mum and dad, and my brother and granny had to worry too and help me out. My dad and mum have been great and haven't made me feel guilty at all, but the thing is that I know they've hardly any money anyway and I hate making them feel like they have to give me money too. Don't get me wrong, I seriously could never have managed all this without their help and I am immensely grateful but I do feel guilty too, which is one of the worst feelings in the world. Anyway, I'm lucky to have them to help me, so I'm not going to bitch about it! And I am keeping track of all the money that people have given me recently so I can pay them back eventually, even if it's not for a while and even if it'll be hard getting them to accept it.

Didn't get pad from my work yet, so I was raging about that, obviously. Here in Spain they just don't give a shit. I mean, back home, no way would your boss be allowed to pay you 3, 4 days late just because. But here people aren't so anal about 'little' things (though it could be argued that Payday is not a little thing at all!) and I guess in normal circumstances it would just be a slight annoyance, but when you're really counting on getting your money on a certain date, it becomes a very big deal. Well, like I said, I managed to get my payment made despite the non-payment, so I'm extremely grateful for that.

PD's in cleaning the kitchen, a tad randomly, seeing as according to the wee rota it isn't her week and I cleaned the whole bloomin' flat on Saturday. I don't know why she's cleaning, I didn't even ask. I might have got pissed off before if I'd thought she was implying that I didn't clean well enough, but I don't even care that much now to be honest. Bigger fish to fry and all that. I know I cleaned pretty thoroughly, if she wants to do it again that's up to her. The only thing that is quite sneaky is that if she is cleaning cos it's her turn this week, then by dong it now it's much easier because there's really not much that needs done thoroughly, but it also means that whoever has to do it next will have a hard time because generally we do it at the weekend and that means that it'll have been almost 2 weeks since the last clean, so the place will be a pigsty. Cheers, PD...

Just got a text message from my best friend back home, saying he's stuck on a train home from work because someone threw themselves onto the track in front of the train. I assume they've died, and in a morbid way I know that even when I was feeling at my lowest this week, I never contemplated suicide, and it helps give you a bit of perspective; whatever that poor person was going through and feeling must have been awful, and although I think there's always a better way out the killing yourself, I hope they've found peace now.

Hanging on by a thread

Well, I've had about the laziest Sunday ever, just watching tv all day, chatting on MSN and going for a short walk. I was working in the pub last night til 3am, so I feel justified in taking it easy today!

So tomorrow is the day I'm meant to pay the first installment to the bank, and I'm feeling really nervous about it. I'm terrified that my wages from the pub won't go through in time, and that I won't be able to pay it. My parents already helped me out by paying off a big chunk of the first payment, with money that my granny gave them to give to me, so tomorrow all that's left is 90 pounds, but if my wages haven't come through then I don't have that!! Going to have to get up first thing in the morning to check my bank balance, something tells me the money isn't going to be there. I bet my work only puts the money in on Monday, instead of last Friday, which means that it won't be through in time! Shit. I just feel like I'm balancing a tightrope and that it's completely touch and go whether I'll make it to the other side or not. Once this payment is made I'll feel more at ease, but until then I'm going to be shitting myself.

I managed to find pretty cheap flights home for Xmas, so hopefully I'll be able to get them booked soon, and my cousin who works for that airline said she might even be able to get me a discount, which would be fantastic, and would help me out a lot.

I really believe that I have someone, or something, watching over me who helps me out and guides me when I ask for it, but I feel like I've been asking for so much recently - for things to be OK with the bank, with my flatmate, and now with these flights. Well, I am hugely greatful for all the help I've been given so far, and now I'm just asking for things to not go badly - I don't need things to be great or easy, but just for things not to go horribly wrong...

I don't know if it's better to think positive and hope that everything will be alright, or to try and not get my hopes up. I'm optimistic by nature, but I tend to crash pretty hard when things that I'd psyched myself up for come crashing down around me.

I'm going to watch a film to try and distract myself, and I'm just praying that things tomorrow go smoothly.

Best laid plans, and all that...

'Oh What a Beautiful Morn...Hey, what the ...??'

This was my reaction when after a nice, peaceful sleep I woke up feeling refreshed and went into the kitchen to make my coffee, and found a note scrawled in red pen stuck up on the wall ordering me to 'pay my debts'. My debts of 1.50€ that I apparantly owe the PD.

Just to put that into perspective: 1.50€ is about 1GBP or 2US$. Why she didn't just add this to the lecture she gave me the other night, I don't know. The only conclusion I've come up with, is that she just wanted to be mean. It sounds childish, I know, but I really can't think of any other reason. Maybe I've gotten too into my own head, and maybe the full-time architect whose parents still pay her rent (she's 35) really desperately needed that 1.50, but...

Ah see, now my sarcastic side has raised its head. Sufficit to say: I'm looking for a new flat. My new plan is to not speak to her at all, unless she pushes me at which point I will no longer feel the need to hold my tongue. Until then I'm going to do my best to stick to my 'no evil thoughts' plan of yesterday, that's the reason I got such a good night's sleep last night, I'm sure! But I've added a P.S.: IF PD says one more nasty thing I really will let her have it.


Peace may be good for the soul, but sometimes standing up for yourself is just as liberating...

"Friendship is action; it's not just words and it never was." *

**This is a quote by the late Audrey Hepburn, and it's something I truly believe in, not only in terms of friendship but in life in general.


Well, today hasn't been a great day, to be honest. Was feeling not-too-bad but then I got a text message which kind of made me feel a bit bummed, just one from my mum reminding me about having to pay the bank on Monday. This is the thing I hate about text messages: you can't tell the 'tone' of them and you can read too much into them! In that message I felt like my mum was being a bit mean or something, and I felt hurt and got a bit too into-my-head, ad felt really depressed for a while - but then I texted my mum back and got a really nice one back from her. So it was obviously me projecting my own feelings onto my mum, which is unfair!

And even when I was feeling shit today, I kept telling myself that 'actions, not words, are what matter' - this is kind of my motto in life, and it usually implies a negative thing: people can talk all they want, but if they don't follow through and ACT then it's all worthless. But today was the first time that it uto me that it goes both ways: even if it had turned out my mum had been unkind in her message to me, nevertheless this last week (and, in fact, ever since I first came out to Spain) she's been nothing but supportive of me, and she's helped me a lot, practically and emotionally. And that is what truly matters, and that's what I need to hold onto.

My mum and I didn't have a great relationship when I was growing up, and we're still not all that close about a lot of things, but I'm really starting to leave that behind and accept her for the person she is, and the way she is, and why. I understand why she did things she did when I was younger, and looking back I guess I wasn't always the easiest daughter either, but she has been so kind and understanding and caring for me this last year, and I really appreciate her for everything she's done and for all the times she's had to worry about me.

Anyway, I'm really feeling like I'm in a bit of a dark patch now, and I'm trying my best to work through it. Things are only being made worse bytthe fraught relationship with my flatmate, the Poison Dwarf as she's known nhere, and amoung my closest friends. Today I really dreaded coming home again, and I realised I almost feel like I'm being bullied by her. Obviously she's never physically harmed me, or threatened to, but the way she can be so nasty and the way she is, and constantly makes me feel uncomfortable and talks down to be as if she were giving me into trouble! It makes me feel crap and it's really knocked my self-esteem, which is something that I took a long time in building up from my school days, and I was finally at a stage where I was really happy and confident within myself, and I'd moved on from my shyness and managed to be more open, and I feel now like I'm sliding backwards, and she's the one gave me the push over the edge.

So I've made a decision: even if she turns round and tells me I have to move out the flat, well, it would be a lot of hassle but other than that, so what? I'm going to stop tiptoeing around her, stop feeling nervous in my own home, and more than anything, stop letting her negative self-image and bitterness affect me. Recently I've been thinking about her all the time and even imaging horrible things happening to her, or me saying horroble things to her. I really hate doing this, so I've tried hard to stop and any time I think of her, I just take a deep breath and let the tension in my tummy seep away, and I think about something happy.

I am not a person who usually deals in negative emotion: I'm very optimistic and I believe in love and acceptance rather than hate. I also firmly believe that people who have so much hate and anger and bitterness inside them eat themselves up from the inside out, and are miserable. So much negativity is abhorent to me, and I won't let myself become the kind of person who feels that way about anyone, no matter how they treat me. In the end, and this does, admittedly, sound slightly clichéd, I'll be the one who's better off (even if I am unceremoniously evicted) because I'll move on and won't let this bad experience cling onto me, whereas PD will let it fester, and will repeat the same things over and over, being nasty, mean and selfish, and cultivating her bitterness until it consumes her.

That will never be me.

not much happening in Claraville today...

Found myself almost dreading coming home today, and having to see the Poison Dwarf, after last night's 'telling off' from her! Anyway, I'm home now and haven't even seen her, but feeling slightly ridiculous and very indignant that I now feel this way coming back to my own bloody flat. Can't be arsed wasting any more time writing about her, bad enoguh that I spend any time at all thinking about her.

On a lighter note, I've come to the conclusion that I am one of Life's people whose trousers are always falling down. Not all the way down, obviously! But my jeans seem to be on a permanent slide down my hips and I'm constantly having to yoink them up again. I wear belts so maybe this is just something I have to accept about myself, like my clumsiness and my tendancy to lose my train of thought in the middle of a ...

Haha.

Work was OK today, busy but not too bad, and despite being loaded with the cold I felt my shift went in quite fast. I have the day off tomorrow cos I'm working the Saturday night shift this week, so I don't know what exciting plans I'll concoct for passing the day. They will almost certainly include: drinking cups of tea, 'streaming' episodes of Frasier on alluc.org (check it out people, it'll change your life! As in: you'll forget you have one...) and possibly going for a stroll along the beach if it's not too cold. Might also devote a few hours online to looking up postgrads, funding for postgrads, and touching up my CV and other scintillating (one L or two, I don't know!) activities.

Hm, munching on Doritos, I've suddenly discovered that's it's actually very difficult to eat and breathe through your mouth at the same time. Don't know how I've never noticed that before... Now I'm really just wasting time waiting for my Frasier episode to load up. Man, it really is time to go back home and start having a life again. Not to mention potato scones. [Check 'em out if you're not Scottish and have no idea what I'm talking about: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tattie_Scone ]



Peace out.

Bad, bad times in the flat

Just had an earful from the Poison Dwarf, my evil Peruvian flatmate, about having my cousin and her friend stay at the flat for 3 days without telling her they were coming, and then said she was angry because I was late paying the money for the bills this month. I don't know if that's why she was pissed off, or if she's just being nasty or what, but I'm really sick of her and all her BS. She's so hypocritical that it really annoys me. For example: I didn't tell her about my cousin coming - just like she didn't tell me when her friend was coming to stay, and the first I knew about it was when I bumped into a strange man in my hallway, and even after that she didn't introduce me to him or anything! Also, she moans about the kitchen being a mess, which is fair enough because it annoys me too - people leaving their dirty dishes in the sink for days and days, but the only time she says anything about it is when it's her turn to clean-up according to her monthly cleaning rota. The rest of the time she isn't bothered. She also told me I had to take the rubbish out last week becasue there were already three bags. Fair enough, I hadn't noticed the bags and it was my turn (that's a whole other rota), but then this week it was her turn, and the full bags of rubbish sat there for days until someone else took them out today, even though it was her turn. Nor has she bothered to clean the kitchen this week, I notice. What I basically mean is, that she acts like it's one rule (her's) for everyone and whatever the hell she wants for herself.

I'm sick of feeling like I'm walking on eggshells, scared to do anything that would give her reason to kick me out (although it's not even her flat, she's the one who deals with the rent and the contracts and stuff - I think it's her dad's flat that he bought her, and that's why she acts like it's her own, but she's never said so).

So...why don't I move out? Well, money. With my rotten pay at the bar and the problems I'm having with the bank in Scotland, I don't have a penny to spare and moving into a new flat means paying the rent for that month plus a deposit which is nigh-on impossible, although I'll get the deposit back from P.D. when I move out of here. Found the perfect flat - same street, same lovely courtyard with a fountain and a doorman... - but I just honestly don't know if I could make it work. I'm barely holding on now, in all seriousness, and I just can't spend money like that!

All in all I've had an awful weekend and I'm feeling very low and vulnerable. Starting to have thoughts about just hoppping a plane to Glasgow and fucking everything here. Except I can't. Not only do I have no money for a flight (although I know my granny would lend me the money if I asked her) but I have to keep paying these bills at the bank and if I go back home I would be without a job and without ANY money which is just plain irresponsible, and liable to get me in even more trouble with the banks. Also, I'm 24 (almost! I'm not old yet, I'm not, I'm not!) and I can't just run away from problems - being an adult might suck but nevertheless I have to accept problems and deal with them head-on, no matter how unpleasant it may be. So, it looks like I'm here in the flat with bitchface for the foreseeable future. Bollocks.

The credit crunch bit me on the arse

I've had an awful day today: my mum rang and told me that I'd been sent threatening letters from the bank telling me to return my cards OR ELSE, and all sorts of other sphinkter-clenching threats about bankruptcy etc, so I cried, panicked and then took a deep breath and called the Collectin agency, where I had the bad luck to be put through to a guy who not only wasn't very nice but, in fact, didn't remotely give a shit. So, under the pretence of calling the Visa company he disconnected me, promising to call me back. So I waited...he didnt call me back (this appears to be a habbit of the Royal Bank of Scotland, I really should have seen it coming) and I rang again and was finally told that the person I'd spoken to had gone out for lunch, or, actually 'he seemed to have finished for the day.' Normally I would have been raging but I was using up all available emotion for shitting myself and entertaining thoughts of immanent bankruptcy and/or jail time. Anyway, to cut a long and not very interesting story short, I lucked out on my second try & my 'concern' was dealt with by the head of the call centre, customer service (haha) or whatever the hell that place is and he was very nice and helpful and we eventually came to an arrangement whereby I'm going to pay 290GBP a month back to clear all the outstanding debt. Actually it's going to be a bit of a stretch to pay all that a week on Monday like I swore I would, but I think I will just (and I mean that in all seriousness, I won't have a Euro to spare) be able to make it. My parents have been great as well, the guy from the call centre called my mum and she's deposited 100 quid in the account which at least appeased them temporarily, and my dad gave me a call and words of encouragement. My dad's not great at expressing emotion but he was really great and told me how a family friend told him that his (adult) kids are in the same position and my dad kept telling me not to feel bad cos it happens to everyone and it doesn't mean I'm a big fuck-up, which to be honest really made me feel better. I still worry about letting my parents down, I think, and having that support and reassuring me that they don't think I'm an eejit means more to be than anything, it truly does.

So, now that's I have a payment plan set up I feel so much better. I would much rather have that money being paid off even though I will be only just able to survive. I have also made a decision: I'm going to get a Real Job. I'm about to start looking into Graduate Training schemes and things and hopefully start one next year. Better to be in a shite job that pays than 'being arty' and bumming around doing crap-paying jobs just because it lets you live in a sunny place. So, at the risk of becoming an office drone, I'm going to start actively pursuing actual, boring, mundane-same-as-everyone-else work. Bad times, but also the time to start taking responsibility, I think. It's been a hard and, if I'm honest, terrifying lesson but one that I guess I had to really learn. On that slightly depressing note I'm away for a cup of tea, and leftover noodles. I came so close to having a cigarette today, after alost 18 months fag-free, but - irony of ironies! - I couldn't afford to buy a pack!!

Who says you can't choose your family? (Bonding over Caipirinhas)

Went out for lunch today with the people from my work and and a really lovely time. We went because one of the women who works there is leaving this week to move back to Bolivia, and apart from the meal and everything being nice, she got a bit emotional and said how much she had loved working there and how when she started working in the pub it was like finding a family here in Spain after leaving her's behind in Bolivia, and then the boss said that everyone who worked in the pub said the same thing, and that they always remembered the people who worked there, but that it went both ways - it really was a big family: the people who moved on were always remembered as well. It made me feel really fortunate to have found a job where the people are so nice and welcoming, and even though I've been thinking about going home in 6 months I suddenly found myself thinking that it wouldn't be so bad to stay on at the pub. Don't know if I will or not, I'll have to do a lot more thinking but I had such a lovely day today that I feel all happy and content. It took me a long time to make any friends here and just recently I've been feeling quite lonely, but knowing that I can be friends with the people I work with makes me feel so much better.

Anyway, after lunch we went for a few drinks and we all sank a cocktail or two - Caipirinhas and Mojitos - and got a bit merry. I even got up and danced the fucking macarena in front of everyone after dropping into conversation the fact that I won a dancing competition for the Macarenca at a school disco. I'm glad I did though (obviously the alcohol helped me along a bit) because I wanted people to see the fun me and just have a laugh with everyone. Sometimes I'm quieter than I'd like to be, especially in large groups of people, so it was good to just get up and make a tit of myself!

My cousin Jenny's coming over to visit for a few days this week so I can't wait to see her, I should really be tidying my bloomin' room before she gets here though instead of wasting time fannying about online. This Internet milarky gets awful addictive, no??